cozy = cramped
quaint = pre-code
homey = two-to-three layers of floral wallpaper throughout
charming = held together mostly by decorative molding
rustic = wagon wheel chandeliers in kitchen AND living room
fabulous = agent watches design shows on BBC Canada
character = no right angles whatsoever
historic = haunted, but the ghosts are usually friendly, except for ‘Shrieking Pete’, who has a thing for throats
local colour = all your kids will have tattoos by the time they’re thirteen
a must see = agent has bills to pay
river-front access = it’s on a floodplain, and we’re due
wooded lot = the ticks are expecting you
close to public transit = bus stop in foyer
high ceilings = your future will consist largely of exorbitant heating bills and ladder accidents
new paint, new carpets = you can scrub and scrub, but that luminol stuff never comes out
original fireplace = there’s no such thing as too much insurance
gourmet kitchen = sure to make you feel even worse about not knowing how to cook worth a damn
unique 3-piece bath = 3 toilets; don’t ask why
quiet neighbourhood = all your future neighbours’ kids have been seized by the county
low traffic street = one measly carjacking turns into an armed standoff and all of a sudden everyone detours around
safe community = every house has a safe (except yours)
good starter home = abundance of stairs makes up for lack of space, natural light
perfect for young professionals = while you’re at work all day, local teenagers will be happy to keep an eye on your house
ideal retirement home = no spare room for kids to crash in “just ’til work picks up again, I promise”
what a dump = agent is off his meds
one-of-a-kind = builder learned from serious design flaws on the first try
motivated seller = that sinkhole in the back yard isn’t getting any smaller
potential = nothing a little TLC and a goose that lays wads of crisp $100 bills couldn’t fix
handyman special = the lot must be worth something
act now = it’s on fire
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