COACH: Let’s crush our opponents!
TEAM: YEAH!
COACH: Let’s pummel them!
TEAM: YEAH!
COACH: Let’s kill them!
PLAYER: Kill them, coach? Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme?
COACH: Lighten up, Olson. It’s a figure of speech. We’re not actually going to kill anyone.
OLSON: Oh, right. Sorry, coach.
COACH: Apology accepted. As I was saying, let’s go out there tonight and metaphorically murder the other team!
TEAM: YEAH!
COACH: Let’s figuratively punch them in the face until they bleed from the mouth!
TEAM: YEAH!
COACH: Better yet, let’s shove some tinfoil into their mouths and make them chew!
OLSON: Coach?
COACH: Not now, Olson. I’m building momentum.
OLSON: Sorry, coach.
COACH: Apology accepted. Where was I?
OLSON: Shoving symbolic tinfoil into the opponents’ mouths, coach.
COACH: Right. Thanks. Let’s pry open their now-bloody mouths and clamp their tongues with tongs.
TEAM: YEAH!
COACH: Let’s make them say the last part of my last sentence ten times fast — “tongues with tongs,” “tongues with tongs,” et cetera!
TEAM: Yeah.
COACH: If they fail to enunciate clearly, let’s drag them outside into the winter cold by their tonged tongues and stick said tongues to the icy metal of our car engines!
TEAM: Yeah . . . ?
COACH: Let’s actually start our cars and wait for the engines to heat up, truly wait for their tongues to unstick from the metal, then literally press their heads to the engine until their tongues and lips and noses and foreheads are all severely burned and their last slow hours before death are spent writhing and moaning in agony!
TEAM: . . .
COACH: Figuratively speaking, of course.
TEAM: YEAH!!!!!
(Everyone but Olson goes charging out of the locker room.)
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