“Congratulations on purchasing this book. My name is Dr. Irvin James, and I’ll take you step by step through the fundamentals of the ESSAY. So put your reading glasses on, sharpen your pencil and open your notebook. Are you ready? Then off we go!
[ . . . ]
Your first task is to CHOOSE A TOPIC. Keep in mind that a topic might interest you, but it won’t necessarily interest others. That distinction is important, so take care to choose a topic that invigorates you and is accessible (and invigorating) to your audience, too.” (3; 14).
Andrew’s Topic: My grandfather.
“After you have chosen your topic, your next task is to write a THESIS STATEMENT. This will let your readers know what the essay is about, what point you will be making, or what greater knowledge you wish to impart. Think of it as your essay’s brain, the part of the essay that tells the rest of it how to function, in which directions to go.” (22).
Andrew’s Thesis Statement: My grandfather is mentally disturbed.
“If the THESIS STATEMENT is your essay’s brain, then your SENTENCE OF ENUMERATION can be likened to your essay’s skeletal structure. It will tell your readers how you will be proving the claim you made in your thesis. Note: All good essays at this level in your academic career should contain at least three main points.” (25).
Andrew’s Sentence of Enumeration: He stuffed dead things, talked to my grandmother after she died, and smoked cigarettes he made out of dandelions.
“Good work! From here, it’s just a matter of following the blueprint you wrote in your SENTENCE OF ENUMERATION. Your BODY PARAGRAPHS, then, become the musculature and flesh of your essay, following the basic instructions of your THESIS STATEMENT, while also adhering to the structural guidelines put forth in your SENTENCE OF ENUMERATION. It is useful to begin your three body paragraphs with your second strongest argument. Ideally, this section will be strong enough to draw your reader in, while still allowing your essay to finish with a bang when you save your best for last in paragraph three.
What are you waiting for? Let’s go!” (33).
Andrew’s First Body Paragraph
“Begin each body paragraph as you would a miniature essay, with a TOPIC STATEMENT that tells your reader what you will be discussing. Again, try to be as clear and concise as possible.” (34).
Topic sentence: When I was seven, my dog was hit by a car.
– The dog’s name was Gordon. – He was black.
– Gordon’s body disappeared shortly after the car hit him.
– Nobody knew where it went.
– For my birthday my grandfather gave me a box. I opened the box and there was Gordon inside.
– My grandfather had taxiderminized Gordon and sealed him in wrapping paper.
– I cried, because his mouth wouldn’t close.
Andrew’s Second Body Paragraph
“Note that your second body paragraph will likely be your weakest, so take care to be as clear and concise as possible, but don’t forget to have fun too so that your readers will sense your energy!” (41).
Topic Sentence: When I was nine, my grandmother ran away with a plumber.
– The plumber had nice teeth.
– A picture of my grandmother sat on the toilet after that.
– Sometimes the picture of my grandmother sat in the toilet.
– My grandfather had good days and bad days.
– Whenever the sink backs up, my grandfather insists on unplugging it himself.
– My father refers to these periods of no running water as ‘little victories.’
“Now we come to your FINAL BODY PARAGRAPH. This is where you can let loose and present your strongest writing. Be wary, however, of becoming too excited and consequently making amateurish mistakes, be they in your essay’s punctuation, grammar, or syntax. ‘Haste makes waste’ as the old saying goes. But you’ve gotten this far, so I know you can do it!” (45).
Andrew’s Third Body Paragraph
Topic Sentence: After my grandmother left, my grandfather started smoking dandelions.
– A teenager with a mohawk said doing so would show him the way to God.
– My grandfather didn’t believe in God, but he said he’d try anything once.
– Once we found my grandfather in his bathrobe. He had smoked too much dandelion.
– They don’t have rehab for dandelions, so every day after school, my dad made me go pick all the dandelions around his apartment.
– My hands bled.
– Someone told me that pee kills dandelions; I started peeing on the lawn after that.
– No matter how much urine I spilled, the dandelions kept coming. They are insidious.
“Be strong – the end is near! Only your CONCLUSION remains. Keep in mind that your conclusion will not merely summarize that which has preceded it. Yes, revisiting some key points is a useful strategy, but the novice essay writer must also take care to present some new information relevant to the topic. This will encourage meditation and reflection in your readership, such that your essay will continue to resonate long after it has been read.” (67).
Conclusion: Since discovering the mildly psychotropic properties of dandelion, my grandfather has become a zen-Buddhist. – Whenever anyone wants him to do anything, he says that life is an illusion. – My dad points out that if everything is an illusion, then he should stop smoking dandelions, since they’re not real. – Their conversation usually ends here when my grandfather mysteriously slips into a transcendental coma. – The picture of my grandmother lives in a shoebox under the sink. – Whenever I ask my grandfather about it, he says I don’t exist and begins humming. – Eventually I get bored and leave the room.
“Congratulations. You should now have the basic structure of your ESSAY completed. Remember to spell check. I find it is particularly helpful to read an essay out loud. Anything that sounds wrong very likely is. Once again, congratulations. You’re now well on your way to becoming an A+ scholar. Happy writing!” (55).
Works Cited
James, Irvin M. How To Write an A+ Essay: A Guide for Writers of All Ages. Toronto: St. Paul’s Press, 1976.
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