It was appropriate that Taylor Swift was playing when you entered, because I knew you were trouble when you walked in (ha ha, no, but really). My husband Sanford rolled his eyes because he doesn’t think customers should talk on the phone when they’re in a small-business environment. He’s sooo old school. But I don’t mind as long as customers aren’t loud and demanding. Which you were.
After my husband Sanford offered to help you, you waved him away. And then waved him back. As if he were a servant. He is not a servant. He is my husband, Sanford. And he is allergic to scallops. Which he would have told you if you asked. But you didn’t ask. You were too busy with your phone call.
Then you ordered coffee. I like coffee. And you said you wanted it “light and sweet,” which is a wonderful New Yorkism (I went to school in New York). But when the coffee came you said you wanted it black, and when my husband Sanford said it was “light and sweet,” you said you were saying that to someone else on your phone! Why would you say that to someone else? What other context could there be? I miss New York sometimes but my husband Sanford doesn’t care for it. Why can’t you put your phone down for a second and make sure you get the order right? My husband Sanford knows what he’s doing. He works very hard.
After we replaced your coffee, at no extra charge, we went off to help some of the other customers. But not before hearing your yelling for someone to take your order. We didn’t want to interrupt your phone call. It seemed important. I know because I have to make important phone calls sometimes. And we have other customers to take care of. It’s not easy running this quaint tarts and coffee shop with just the two of us. I like to refer to it as a pâtisserie, because it’s French and fancy and my husband Sanford said he was done arguing with me about it and that whatever the fuck I wanted to call it I should call it. He’s hilarious.
We asked you to move to another table, because you were only one person and you were taking up our only six-person table, and there was a group of six that wanted to sit down and enjoy our quaint tarts and coffee. I understand you were there first, but you didn’t have to be so loud. We’re just trying to do our best. My husband Sanford and I.
When you said you were going to write us up on Yelp, I said, “Now please. Is that really necessary?” And you said, “Yes! Yes, it’s necessary!” And Sanford just looked off into the middle distance. His eyes glazed over with regret. Regret for a life not fully lived. And I said, “Can we just talk about this?” And you said, “I’m done talking!” And I said, “Please allow us to provide you with a quiche of your choice. Free of charge!” We have a wonderful selection of delicious quiches. And you said, “This place is disgusting and I wouldn’t be caught dead eating here!”
And then you left. Without a complimentary quiche! I can only speak for myself and my husband Sanford, but you were the absolute rudest customer we’ve had this whole week! And I do not look forward to ever serving you again.
1/5 stars
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