to whom it may concern:
i am sending this message out
as a bulk e-mail
to several companies and individuals
who are woefully misinformed
about my needs and desires
my friends say i’m being foolish
“don’t reply to these people!
it’s just spam and junk mail”
but i like to give everyone
the benefit of the doubt
i would first like to address
the possible rumour
that i have erectile difficulties
i have no such problems
your free viagra offer was considerate
but plainly unnecessary at this time
you also offered a more traditional
non-medical cure for my purported penile predicament—
namely
your free pass to thousands of xxx sites
while this offer is tempting
i suggest you offer it to someone more deserving
with a little more time on his hand
now
whoever told you
that i was an ideal candidate
for your weight-loss program
has misled you terribly
it’s difficult enough for me
to find pants that fit properly
without losing five inches
off my waist
apparently
the general consensus seems to be
that the inches you remove from my waist
would best be relocated
to my bust and penis
while it’s true i am rather flat-chested
i hardly think breast implants
will give me the look i’m going for
as for my penis
well
that’s the one part of my body
i’m actually quite happy with
it may not “make them beg for more”
as it supposedly would after your procedure
but no one has ever complained
as i’m certain more than a few women would
if i were to
(as you put it)
“split them in half
with my giant cock”
which frankly sounds rather painful
back in my school days
i was never very popular
so i find it strange
and a little awkward
that i suddenly have so many web cam girls
fighting over my attention
while i must say
i am flattered
i feel i should tell you
the same thing i told
all the horny housewives:
i’m looking for a local girl
not to mention someone i can
have a face-to-face conversation with
rather than communicating via internet chat room
as dozens of other men
request that you point your ass
towards the camera
also
i would like to apologize
because although i’m certain
you desperately need to verify my identity
if someone less honest than you
were to intercept the e-mail you’re requesting
they would have my credit card number
pin number
social insurance number
health card number
and shoe size
and who knows what they might do then?
in closing
although i appreciate all your offers
i must decline
and suggest you all focus your efforts
on another potential client
thanks anyways,
stephen sauvé
p.s.
i have received multiple messages from most of you
on occasions far too numerous to count
is there something wrong with your mail servers?
anyways
just in case there is a problem
i wanted to make sure you all get my message
so i found this nifty program
that automatically sends this e-mail to you
every ten minutes
so
i’m sorry if you’ve already read this
a few dozen times
but as soon as i see
i’ve been taken off your mailing list
i’ll take you off of mine
‘kay?
thanks again,
steve
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