Self Love

Louise Lake: name changed to protect the guilty.

New scientific studies show that 90% of the sex we will have in our lifetime will be with the best lover in the world; namely, ourselves. There is nothing to be concerned about if you are in the position of relying on your own resources during a time of celibacy or just to kill time. In fact, here are some advantages to the solo act:

1. It’s quick. Experts agree that one person working alone can achieve satisfaction much more rapidly than if two or more parties are involved. With practice, the act can be reduced to three, two, or, using a specific and clear focus, as quickly as one minute. This efficiency allows extra time to develop life-enriching interests and hobbies. Gardening, photography, Zen meditation are all excellent ways to spend the time formerly used for recreational sex.

2. There are none of those communication barriers so frequently referred to in couple’s manuals. (side benefit: you can throw away your couple’s manual, and save money that you’d have needed for therapy.) Example of simple, direct, one-sided dialogue:

Louise1: “Louise, would you do this little thing for me?”

Louise2: “I’m sorry, but I can’t reach.”

Louise1: “Damn!”

3. No fuss, no mess, no unwelcome smells, no surprising sights, no condoms, no STDs, no tears, no demands, no need to figure out mysterious requirements…

4. You can do weird stuff to yourself and nobody needs to know.

Food products are a great source of solo fun… chocolate chips, cheese strings, cool whip – the only limit is your imagination.

Odd clothes can be another way to have fun on your own – a tiara and a sash that says “Miss Canada” really does it for me! And face it – when you finally have another partner, who’s going to want to play with you that way?

Warning: DO NOT USE ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES. LEAVE PETS ALONE.

To conclude: As a celibate person, you’re in a very special time in your life; you can do whatever you please to make Number 1 happy however she likes it. Go for it!

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