Nicky keeps saying he isn’t going to pay me. I tell Nicky he’s gotta pay me ’cause I gave him one whole Lunchable the other day and what did he give me? Nothing. He likes to say things like, “Whatcha gonna do?” or “Bring it on.” He’s always sucking a lollipop ’cause he thinks it makes him look boss and ’cause no one will sell him cigarettes. Does he want his teeth to fall out? I can make it happen. I tell Nicky to stay on his side of the playground on the side of the jungle gym and I’ll stay on my side with the swings. Nicky says that’s just fine with him.
Me and my boys are guarding the water fountain because Nicky and his boys are playing soccer. So if those guys get thirsty, do you know what they’re gonna get? A beating, that’s what.
Gary says, “Hey, Jason James Miller, is that Nicky’s hot tamale girlfriend Piper coming this way? What’s she doing? Want me to chase her?” Gary is in the process of trying to deflate a basketball by stabbing it repeatedly with a fork, which isn’t working out so well.
“Back off, Gary,” I say, reclining on the cement steps. “Ladies like men with power. We play it cool and by the end of the week Piper and I will be smooching.”
Piper comes over and she says, “Hey, Jason James Miller, can I talk to you?”
“Go back to Nicky, Piper,” I say with a dismissive hand-flick.
“I’m not Nicky’s girlfriend anymore,” Piper says with this big sigh.
Adam looks up from eating his Cheetos and says, “How do we know she’s telling the truth?”
And I say, “Yeah, Piper, how do we know you’re being truthful?” Piper shrugs. “Yeah, but how do we know, Piper?” I ask, giving her the evils.
Piper tosses her hair a bit and says, “No way would Nicky let me over here unless we broke up.”
I say, “Piper, you’ve got one shot or we’re going to give you one shot: bam! Right between the eyes. Don’t let me catch you talking to any of Nicky’s boys again. Now scram.” Piper scrams.
“Pretty soon we’ll be married,” I tell Adam. “Piper can’t resist me.”
Piper comes back the next day. She says the soccer game’s been expanded onto our turf. Me and my boys aren’t going to take that. We ditch Crybaby Chris by saying someone still needs to guard the water fountain. I say, “Piper, go play.” Piper goes.
There’s no one on the soccer field. We kick some leaves and reckon they probably heard we were coming and got scared. Then Adam says, “I bet they’re at the fountain!” So we run back and sure enough there’s Nicky wiping his chin, and two of his henchkids with Crybaby Chris in a headlock.
Nicky says, “I can’t believe you fell for such a baby trick.”
But before I can say anything Nicky and Piper start kissing right on the kissers. Nicky stops kissing Piper and says he can see why I fell for the tricks of someone who’s so piping hot. “Get it, Jason James Miller? Because her name is Piper?”
I say, “Look out, Piper. You don’t want to get cooties. Or worse, pregnant.”
Piper says, “You can’t get pregnant from kissing. You can only get pregnant if you love the other person very much.”
I say, “Then you don’t love Nicky very much? Besides, do you know what people who love each other very much do, Piper? They kiss.” Piper and Nicky aren’t so sure.
“Love is an STD,” Adam says. “And what do you think is actually going on with all that smooching, huh?” I give Adam a high five ’cause he’s my man.
“STD?” Nicky asks, pulling his hand away from Piper as if it’s hot. Being piping hot isn’t working out so hot for you now, is it, Piper?
“STD,” Adam says in a menacing growl, “stands for smoochingly transmitted disease, and that is what love is. It is a disease transmitted from smooching.”
Their defeat is obvious.
The next day, Nicky comes to school and he says, “Jason James Miller, how do I even know if Piper’s baby is my baby? Piper probably smooched lots of other guys when she was on your side of the playground yesterday. I’ll bet it might not even be my baby she’s pregnant with.”
“This isn’t my problem, Nicky,” I say. “You’re hoping your girlfriend kissed someone else instead of hoping she didn’t. That does not sound like a stable relationship to me.”
“You have to help me out here, Jason James Miller,” Nicky says.
“Well, for starters, if she’s actually pregnant then you two will have to get married and you won’t be able to date anyone else, ever.”
Nicky says, “The third grade is too young for marriage.”
“Yeah, well, that’s the law, Nicky,” I say. “I’m just letting you know a common fact. The only solution is for you and Piper to stop smooching.”
“Yeah, but isn’t there a way to test to see if Piper is going to have a baby?” Nicky asks.
I say, “I know one way.” I tell Nicky that if I smooch Piper, I will be able to tell. Nicky asks me how I will be able to tell. I say it’s too complicated an explanation for the likes of him. I will only smooch Piper for him on the condition that he pays me back for my Lunchable. He says he’ll do it.
“Okay, Piper,” I say before lunch begins. “Today you are in for the experience of a lifetime because I will be giving you a smooch to test for pregnancy.”
“I don’t want to smooch you,” Piper says.
“Look, Piper,” I say, getting cross and crossing my arms in a cross manner. “I don’t want to smooch you either. I am doing this from the good bottom of my heart for your and Nicky’s benefit.”
“You don’t even like Nicky,” Piper says.
“Yeah, well, I don’t like you either, Piper,” I say loudly so she’ll get it. “Do you want to know if you’re pregnant or not?”
“I’ll do it for a dollar,” Piper says.
“Listen, lady,” I say, “I’m the one who should be getting paid in this situation, okay? I’m the nice guy who also happens to possess some bad-boy qualities. This is your and Nicky’s problem.”
“You should have to pay to kiss me,” Piper says.
“Okay, Piper,” I say. “I’m not paying to kiss you. But because of you, Nicky finally paid me back for the Lunchables. So without you, I wouldn’t be getting paid. So I’ll give you fifty cents as you are my business partner.”
Piper says, “That’s fine.”
A fight breaks out on the jungle gym about five minutes into recess and Piper and Nicky slip away. I follow them behind the basketball courts.
“All right, Jason James Miller,” Nicky says. “Make this snappy.”
“This is for the sake of science, Nicky,” I say, looking at Piper. “Are you ready for the magic?”
“What?”
“Never mind,” I say. I wipe the palms of my hands on my jeans because Piper’s eyes are very blue and very wide and her lips are very pink and not even chapped. I kiss Piper. I kiss Piper again.
“I don’t think you’re pregnant,” I tell Piper. “But maybe I should double-check.”
“Good idea,” says Piper, so we kiss again. Her mouth opens a bit and she puts a hand on my face and we keep kissing. It . . . is . . . awesome . . .
“Is she pregnant?” Nicky asks in a frantic manner.
“No, definitely not,” I say. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” Piper says.
“She’s probably pregnant now after all that smooching you two were doing,” Nicky mutters, rubbing the toe of his sneaker in the dirt.
“Definitely not,” I say strictly. “I am a scientist, Nicky. I would never kiss your girlfriend and enjoy it or get her pregnant because I know science. I got a B-minus.”
Piper and I stick our tongues out at each other, but when we’re walking back to the jungle gym to watch the end of the fight, her hand keeps brushing against mine.
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