A. Address the audience – If there are men and women, make sure to say, “Ladies and Gentlemen of the United Nations.” Otherwise, just say “Gentlemen.”
B. Capture you audience’s attention with a joke or anecdote – Tell them the one about what’s in Superman’s sink. After I say “A Super Bowl!” make sure to pause for laughter.
C. State the main topic of your speech – “The Super Bowl will start in two hours, and I will blow up the stadium with my Death Ray! Unless I get paid.”
E. Quickly state your three main points
1. First Main Point – Destruction: my death ray is pointed at the stadium!
2. Second Main Point – Money: If you pay me, I won’t shoot.
3. Third Main Point – My plan is foolproof.
First Main Point
Assertion: What is your point? – I will destroy the stadium while the Super Bowl is going on.
– My Death Ray is locked on its target.
– The countdown will already be started (length TBA, but try to get it to coincide with that stupid half-time show)
– Let them know you don’t care for the teams that are playing this year.
State one example which illustrates your point – The movie Black Sunday! – I saw the movie and read the book, so I’m prepared.
Which brings me to my second point – “There is only one way to stop me!”
Second Main Point
Assertion: What is your point? – I want money. It’s called blackmail.
Support: – Start with $20 billion. If they try to bargain, don’t go below 10 billion. Remember: the Death Ray did cost $5 billion! – Swiss Bank account number: 93028355205, or they can make a check out to “Dr. Calamity” – Make sure they know the deadline. (I don’t want to hear that excuse again!)
State one example which illustrates your point – “Remember the Dr. Squid fiasco of 1979?”
Which brings me to my third point – “Don’t try that on me.”
Third Main Point
Assertion: What is your point? – I can’t be stopped.
– My fortress defenses
– The Death Ray’s reliability
– Extensive testing
– Fail-safe ignition systems
– Innocent lives could be lost. Ask: “Can you take that chance?” (This might be too bleak)
State one example which illustrates your point – Gauge the audiences reaction to mentioning Dr. Squid, and then maybe reiterate the point
Which brings me to my conclusion – “Which brings me to my conclusion . . . ”
Restate your three main points
– “I will destroy the stadium during the Super Bowl with my Death Ray unless I get $(insert number) billion. Don’t try to stop me!”
Summarize the ideas you presented
– Make sure they have the Swiss bank account number, and know the deadline to transfer the money. – Let them all know I am unstoppable.
Close your speech with something memorable – Maniacal Laughter!
– Start slowly, keep building and then finally cut the transmission.
– Remember, practice makes perfect!