Dear Sixty-Year-Old Guy in Our First-Year College Business Class

We’re sorry your thirty-six-year tenure at the slaughterhouse ended in an ugly fashion; however, we, as a class, believe lectures would move along faster without lengthy anecdotes consisting of little more than your petty gripes against the various slaughterhouse managers who’ve allegedly wronged you over the years. Please allow the professor, himself a successful businessman, to lecture unimpeded.

Also, we know you are fond of Steve Jobs — that’s why you bring that biography of him to every class. Yet we have a feeling you are not the next Steve Jobs, as you are sixty, and he was dead before reaching that age. Everyone (including yourself) will be a lot more comfortable if you let the Steve Jobs dream/delusion die immediately.

Also, we know you have lived through many more presidential administrations than we have, but no need to keep reminding us of all the ancient history you know about. It is perfectly understandable that an eighteen-year-old business student wouldn’t know who George McGovern or somebody is/was. So screaming and spitting all over that teenager for not knowing the great history of this McGovern (also our hilarious nickname for you) was way over the line.

We do not find your frequent use of the term “whippersnappers,” in reference to us, amusing in any way. If you listen to only one of our grievances, we hope it will be this one.

We have seen you looking at the girls who choose to wear cleavage-revealing outfits. Our consensus is that they make this sartorial decision to impress the teacher; they do not make this effort to have you leer at them. You sicken most of us because we presume our own libidos will not exist at sixty; in fact, we hope they do not.

We know you are a fan of the Rolling Stones and were at seminal late-sixties and early-seventies Stones performances, but we, the students of BUSN088, feel that we’ve learned all we possibly want to know about the “Rolling Stones business model” and also the contradicting “Grateful Dead business model.” Also, quite frankly, you should quit wearing that Grateful Dead T-shirt because we don’t feel that befits a person who aspires to the business world.

Your personal hygiene leaves much to be desired. Often, antiperspirants break down, and this is forgivable. That’s not the case here. You have that “clothes are soaked in days if not weeks of sweat” thing going on, hence the exodus from the entire northeast section of the lecture hall.

As to the rebellion of your group members and you no longer having a group for the group presentations — please, please do not try to invade any of our groups, and please tell the teacher you want to do your presentation alone. Look on the bright side: no one to argue with or spit on, or contradict your zany theories.

This will give you the advantage of presenting by yourself. Just think, you will enjoy a longer period of time to address us with your so-called “revolutionary” views. This is a competitive advantage we’d all like to have, “time [being] money,” as the teacher so often remarks. You should therefore level the playing field by restraining from any and all in-class speech for the remainder of the semester.  While this request is in violation of the school’s human rights code, some of the rougher elements in the class have issued threats. Should you continue to disrupt the lectures, the widely circulated threats have asserted, the rougher elements will punch and kick at you as you decamp from the college grounds on your scooter. So, unless you want your arthritic, slaughterhouse-ruined back kicked in, you will comply with the above requests.

On behalf of all of your classmates, we appreciate you remaining active at an age we all hope to be comfortably retired by. You are an example of the “stick-to-it-iveness” that our teacher tells us is an indispensable part of business life.


Your partners in learning


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