Another Child Star Is Born

No one is going to discover you on the bus or in the back seat of a car, hurtling down the highway at a hundred and fifty kilometres an hour. All those stories are fabricated, like that fourteen-year-old female model discovered at Tim Hortons. You’re telling me her mother didn’t know a recruiter at that Timmy’s location, forced her daughter to apply, then made her serve that agent coffee until her hands were burnt the colour of a light roast, just hoping the agent would finally notice her daughter in the right fluorescent light? These things you don’t leave to chance — they require brute force. You can dream all you like, gaze at the limos that drive by in hopes that maybe, just maybe, inside is a celebrity who will yell out, “Driver! Stop this limo! I must meet that girl we just passed.” No siree, Bob, no one is driving around looking to make you famous, and no one knew this more than Mrs. Lynette Tanburger. She made it her mission to stalk every inch of Calgary’s streets in the hopes of making her country-singing daughter Laci a star. And make her a star she did!

Laci started singing in her church choir (as country stars often do) at the of age four, was home-schooled by her parents, and worked on the family farm since her mom popped her out in the barn right next to a birthing horse. Proud step-papa number three, Bob, would always brag about how Laci learned to drive a tractor before she could crawl, and how her humble farm-life upbringing helped launch her country-singing career.

At only fifteen years old, Laci had won every country award in every country that accepted the sound of country. She already had the number-one hit of the year, having been discovered just two months prior. Laci’s hit song “Knock” went as follows: “Don’t knock me up, I don’t want to get pregnant, don’t knock me out to be a battered wife.” Such a strong and powerful message for young ladies quickly influenced the preteen market. Laci was even able to sell belly shirts with a fake baby belly attached, with the message: “The only baby I love is music.”

Her childhood was strong, stable and normal, according to the tabloids, leaving the country world to gasp when their little star started to bloat with baby.

Worse were her admissions as to how she was going to raise the baby to be racist. She was about to become a young mother and finally it was her turn to run the show. She was quoted on Much More Country TV saying, “If it comes out your vagina, you can tell it what to do.”

What she wanted to do was tell everyone else what to do, and what everyone else wanted was not to hear this little girl use the word vagina. Surely looking back Laci would see this as a career ender, but second thoughts require first ones, and children simply do whatever pops in their head.

Laci was quickly dubbed Racy Laci in the tabloids — not for her risqué behaviour but for being the youngest, most well-known racist this country had ever seen.

Many fans remained loyal throughout the pregnancy. Country music fans can be a safe bet when it comes to white power. Laci’s reps recognized the still-growing fan base and tried to save face by asking her to broadcast her birth. But no one wanted to see a baby have a baby, and every broadcaster quickly rejected the idea.

She told the world she wasn’t crazy, her behaviour was written in the bones, the birth of her child would be that of a messiah, a female one at that. Her racist ideals, which in fact were never clearly defined, were starting to blend with religion and science. Many questioned if she knew what the hell she was talking about, or if she’d patched together a bunch of cartoon histories into her own tapestry of confusion.

Unfortunately no one would meet the messiah; thirteen weeks before her due date Laci had a miscarriage. She blamed her long-time online psychic, who funnily enough was black. Some started to question whether Laci had ever been pregnant at all, but her manager, doctor and suspected fiancé assured the public she had been and was devastated by the loss.

Soon Laci fizzled out, outshone by the next preteen nightmare. She’s probably around nineteen now, or dead — young celebrities don’t last long these days.

Comments are closed.