A Dear John Letter from a Vampire to a Zombie

Dear John,

I’m leaving you. I’m sorry to leave this note rather than doing this in person, but I thought it would be safer for both my brain and my heart.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I feel I need more intellectual stimulation than you can provide. I’ve told you this before and I know you had the best intentions when you offered to lick my brain, but it only made it all the more clear to me that you just don’t get it.

And speaking of stimulation . . . your lovemaking skills also leave much to be desired, and although there are more important things in the afterlife, I truly believe a strong physical connection is important for a healthy relationship. I tried to be patient and sensitive, but I must tell you I lied when I said your little problem was a common one — I have never seen it fall off mid-act before.

It would be one thing if we were on different planes intellectually and physically if you weren’t so judgmental. I need you to know it really hurt me that you and your friends made fun of me so mercilessly when I tried to educate you in the art of blood tasting. Excuse me for trying to point out the subtle but important differences between A and B and O-negative, the latter of which is quite frankly for philistines like you.

I don’t feel I should have to apologize for my intelligence and my ambition. I know you’re content to sit on the couch drooling every night between snacks, but I want more out of life. It’s so frustrating that whenever I suggest doing anything remotely different or interesting, you snidely moan,  “I don’t see why we have to do that tonight. It’s not like we’re not going to live forever . . .”

I also found the way you would check out other women in my presence degrading and humiliating. It was so crass the way you’d comment on the head size of every woman we passed, with drool sliding down what’s left of your chin. Never mind the fact that I kept telling you that a bigger head does not always equate to a bigger brain.

I want you to know there were things about you that I will remember fondly. You could be a very good listener, for example, and I found it quite endearing the way you’d rush to the door when I came home with a head of cauliflower. I know you found that prank rather tired, but for me, it never got old.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us. Although life is eternal, I hope you’ll agree it’s still too short to be with someone who just isn’t right for you.

— Lucy

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