A window is really just a mirror with a bug screen

They say three’s a company but four’s a crowd
Unless you’re in an orgy
In which case turn off your phones, pass me the Parmesan,
and I’ll show you how they do it in Rome
Say what you will about modern urbanity
Nothing says “I just made out with my reflection” like a bow-tied millennial with shame on his breath and bits of dried soap and mirror on his lips
Self-identifying hipsters are like self-respecting gingers
They don’t exist
Plausible deniability is a tough defence when you’ve just walked out of an obliterated toilet stall with your sleeves rolled up and sweat all over your collar only to realize, via the looks of horror and disgust on the faces of the women by the sink, that you just spent the last seventeen minutes in the wrong washroom
They say crapulence is God’s punishment for gluttony
But only the crapulent man knows what it means to be satisfied
Flexibility is my favourite virtue
Especially in the bathtub
Which I haven’t cleaned for eight months
It has grown a slippery, protective layer made of my own skin
So in a way, I have a child
It’s amazing how quickly these things fall into the gutter

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