Tricking a parrot into saying “I love you” won’t make you any less lonely

They say you are what you eat
But I like to think I’m more than just a bratwurst sausage and a bottle of Imodium
There’s nothing particularly funny about gastrointestinal difficulties
Unless you’re three years old or a Neanderthal
In which case, there’s no greater funny than the monosyllabic gem
As in: “I was looking through the pantry the other day and noticed one of my children had squirted mustard on the floor by the fridge. I went to the sink, grabbed a dishcloth, then knelt down to wipe it up. But as I squatted I farted. And as I farted I pooped a bit and thought to myself, Aw, man.”
I’ve always wondered how the first soldier discovered that peeing on a rag and holding it to his face was a sure way to survive a mustard-gas attack
It’s the little things that keep me up at night
Like why I can’t sync my TV with my DVD player
But a ninth-century Ethiopian goat herder figured out that if you pick a red berry from a green tree, peel it, dry it, toss it in a fire for ten minutes, then cool it, crush it and pour hot water over it, you’ll get yourself a fine cup of coffee
They say cultural ignorance will someday be eradicated
Hopefully, so too will the Dutch
Telling someone “You make my loins burn”
Has a whole other meaning if that someone just gave you chlamydia
Tricking a parrot into saying “I love you” won’t make you any less lonely
Neither will a one-night stand with the guy
who brought a pocketful of mistletoe to the office Christmas party
Trust me, I know

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