Trees are infinitely more useful when they’re dead

Illustration by Ben Coleman

They say integrity is the most desirable virtue
But I say it’s continence
Swipe right and I’ll let you change me
Fart jokes don’t always work in the bedroom
Neither does foreskin
But maybe that’s the point
A pencil crayon, if shaved, is an innocent toy
A cucumber is not
Nothing says “I’m disposing of the evidence of last night’s mistake”
Like a guy eating carrot salad in the morning
Celery makes for good dental floss
Cat whiskers do not
I have never understood how these things end up
in the shitter so quickly
Say what you will about human waste
At least we know all the ways it has wronged us
Which is more than you can say about the average baby boomer
Entitlement is a terrible thing
So is Woody Allen
When I die, I wish to go out as I’ve lived
Smeared in peanut butter

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