Say what you will about Norwegian pornography . . .

They say you can’t toss pickle juice on a trolley in Rhode Island
Or keep a sleeping donkey in your bathtub after 7:00 p.m. in Oklahoma
Which seems curiously archaic
But not so much as the law that still prohibits women over two hundred pounds
from riding horses in shorts in Illinois
Or the one which states that motorists driving along a Pennsylvania country road at night must stop every mile, send up a rocket signal and then wait ten minutes for the road to clear of livestock before carrying on to Philadelphia
Justice is a hoary thing
So is Margaret Thatcher
But that’s only funny if you know that hoary and whorey
have very different meanings
Otherwise it just comes across as an inappropriate thing to say
Like some comment about how quinoa is the new potato
Paprika the new latex
And Kim Jong-un the new Lil’ Kim
Koreans like to say that after three years at a village schoolhouse,
even a dog can recite poetry
Which seems overly simplistic
Unless, in certain cases, poetry is really just a form of inconsequential barking
Or something that fills a page in a magazine when an ad falls through
People like to pretend that dogs don’t lick themselves for pleasure
But what if they did?
Would that make them perverts?
And what would that make those of us who watch?
They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks
Which is an idiom to rationalize the ignorance of elders
But rationalize bigotry is like pretending the Walloons are anything but a group of underachieving sexual deviants
Or that tickling old people until they poop in their wheelchairs is somehow cruel
And I don’t want to live in a world that thinks like that
Because there’s nothing wrong with wanting to pickle carrots with your grandmother Mabel
Unless you stop and think about what that could possibly mean
Or just discard it as a random non sequitur
Or a marshmallow

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