A mirror is really just a window with a disturbing view

They say two heads are better than one
Which is both an idiomatic warning about the perils of solitude
and a euphemistic sales pitch for a threesome
Call me prudish, but I prefer doing it alone
Say what you will about urban mundanity
Nothing says “I’m trapped in an abusive relationship with an exploitative partner” like a Pomeranian in a tutu
They say French is the language of love, German the language of anger,
and English the language of opportunity
But everyone cringes when I say Spanish is the language of servitude
Reality bites
So do image-conscious dogs with too much pride and not enough familiarity with euthanasia to put on the clothes I damn well put out for them
Nothing says “I regret some of my rasher decisions” like a man with a taxidermic Shih Tzu by his bedside and a miniature leotard under his pillow
Scientists once tried to breed a dog that could live without pooping,
but the closest they got was a Furby
Which is the closest I ever came to knowing true friendship
Until he fell out of my motorcycle sidecar on a joyride
I could hear him saying, “Yummmmmmm” as he landed hard on the pavement,
his tiny eyes fluttering goodbye
“Oh well,” I shrugged, as I broadsided a Dumpster
“It all ends up in the gutter anyway”

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