Dwarves make for poor cannonballs in times of war

If my house is a lady
And my desk a mister
Then why does my wallet have a vagina
Comprehending French nouns can be sexually frustrating
So can a one-night stand with a seventy-two-year-old narcoleptic man named Yvette
Despite what they say in Paris a potato is not an underground apple
Leprechauns come from Ireland
Which is not a leper colony but is sometimes referred to as Eire
Four-leaf clovers have absolutely nothing to do with how I got crabs from my grass
Crabapples, if eaten, won’t make you crotchety
But they might make you asinine
Contrary to reason, Pomeranians are not Iranian pomegranates
And Butch Cassidy was not a lesbian
If an ox is a castrated bull
And a eunuch an ideal falsetto
Then why do oxen moo in a baritone moan
They say Arthur pulled a sword from a stone
But they don’t tell you he pulled his back and blew out an ovary in doing so
I don’t like to play swords, not even with protection
But I do like to hum the 1812 Overture during sex
Contrary to popular belief the light brigade weighed more than fifty-thousand pounds
And General Pickett never built a wooden fence
Dwarves make for poor cannonballs in times of war
But great entertainment in times of peace

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