Crème brulée wouldn’t be so expensive if they just called it burnt cream

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and looks like a duck
It must be a duck
But if it just looks like a duck
Then it’s probably Joan Rivers
Saving face has a whole other meaning when your face is held together
by two elastic bands and a vat of papier-mâché
They say Narcissus died in vain
But at least he left a beautiful corpse
David Carradine did not
James Dean didn’t have time for seat belts
Neither did Albert Camus
There’s nothing absurd about driving a car into a tree
They say self-deprecation is the purest form of humour
I’ve never had time for puritans
But I do like Quaker Oats
Dragging your feet is a lot more acceptable when you’ve just had a stroke
Dropping the ball is not
Dick Clark is not a drunk
Though he does slur his words
But there’s nothing funny about stroke jokes
If time is the fire in which we burn
Then what’s the point of sunscreen
Crème brulée wouldn’t be so expensive if they just called it burnt cream
They say movie popcorn has the fat of twelve hamburgers
But I don’t care
Because I just ate a bucket of chicken
I don’t care for decorative foods
Or fancy chefs who think a sprinkle of parsley is worth more than a mound of potatoes
But I do care for French independent filmmakers
Because perverts have to stick together

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