Chivalry isn’t dead, it’s just dying

I have not supped on truffles in a French crêperie
Nor blown snow from the peak of Kilimanjaro
But I have drunk Bordeaux in Bordeaux
And watered a tree in La Mancha
They say the world is your oyster
I say it’s my urinal
If a man holds a door for you
It means he’s courteous and deserving of a thank you
If a woman holds a door for you
It means you’re either ninety-four years old, in a wheelchair, or an asshole
Double standards are the antediluvian remnants of a world
that disappeared with the top hat
So are corsets, neckties and anyone named Orville, Gladys, Deirdre or Wilbur
They say chivalry is dead
I say it’s just dying
Don Quixote was a hopeless romantic
He was also an aged fool who lunged at windmills and died a broken and destitute loner
King Lear put the cart before the ass
Jay Leno put the ass back into late night
It’s a little-known fact Cocoa Puffs are an indelible source of eight essential nutrients
Indelible is a word I’ve never used properly
So is antediluvian
The ancient Greeks believed the afterlife was guarded by a three-headed dog named Cerberus
I like to think it’s now guarded by the original Lassie
Old Yeller was a blackmouth cur
Paris Hilton is a pink-lipped socialite
Talentless humans are usually rich
Talented geniuses are usually troubled
J.D. Salinger was a beloved recluse
He also kept his writing in a vault and his pants in the fridge
I swear to God I read that somewhere
Ira Glass wears glasses
There’s nothing really funny about puns
Except when they’re followed by the appendage “said the priest to the choirboy”
Like “This is a place for salivation,” said the priest to the choirboy
It takes a lot to be damned for eternity
But we’re well on our way

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