Adam West was not a rubberist

Dennis the Menace was a juvenile delinquent
Charlie Brown was a complete and utter loser
You would be too if you were stuck in the same grade since 1950
Garfield never moved his lips when he talked
Ray Charles never stopped moving his head when he sang
Some people just don’t know any better
People like to talk about how Martha Stewart didn’t have any scruples
But no one ever questions why Little Orphan Annie doesn’t have any pupils
Never trust street kids who look like they’ve eaten
Betty Crocker was a nice little lady from Massachusetts
before she became a box of flour
Betty Boop always dressed for success
Most strippers do
Amy Winehouse looks a lot like Betty Rubble would if she ever went on a four-day bender and woke up in a gravel ditch with a heroin needle stuck in one arm and a prehistoric tattoo artist named Grizzles hanging off the other
Alcoholism is only funny when you’re young
Gout-infected bedmates are only acceptable when you’re old
Betty Ford wasn’t always a drunk
But Captain Haddock was always a raging alcoholic
Tintin was a reporter who never seemed to actually report on anything
His creator was a casually racist Belgian
But we love him still
Prussian pluralism is not an expansion of Russian ruralism
But there’s nothing funny about that
Kaiser Wilhelm was not a bun
Colonel Sanders was not a Kentuckian
But he was the leading cause of obesity in seven of fifty
U.S. states at the time of his death
We’re all human
Even the Elephant Man
Adam West was not a rubberist
But damn it he still looked good in that mask
Nine out of ten dentists agree
that you should not read this magazine while brushing your teeth
I don’t have time for statistics

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