Hey princess, before your mother and I tuck you in tonight, we wanted to both tell you that we’ve discussed the situation of the monster under your bed and your request that one of us, preferably me, “go and kill it,” and quite frankly we are not prepared to engage in that kind of violent imperialism in this household.
Don’t get us wrong — we love you, and we want you to feel safe, but we also don’t want to teach you the wrong lessons, and we’re worried that we’ve already given you far too much leniency in allowing you to continually refer to the monster as evil. The thing you have to understand here is that the monster under your bed is not evil, it’s just different. Your perception of this monster as some kind of evil non-human “other” is simply an artificial construct created by children such as yourself that is continually stratified by negative stereotypes thrown around on the playground, not to mention your own narrow child-centric lens through which you see the world. And yes, honey, I know you said the monster threatened to eat you with his big, sharp teeth, but you have to understand that he’s just sabre-rattling to impress the other monsters — he doesn’t actually mean it.
Besides, let’s take a minute to consider the ramifications of the violent course of action you’re proposing. You have to understand, cupcake, if we go in and invade the monster’s sovereign territory under the bed, what kind of a long-lasting impact do you think that might that have on his future attitude towards the norm of sovereignty? If we start going under the bed, maybe he’ll start coming out even when there’s a night light on. Would you like that? It’s a vicious spiral that can get out of hand very quickly — don’t be the instigator. And yes, sweetie, I know the underneath of your bed is technically yours, but you have to understand that if he has really been there as long as you say he has, we have to consider what kind of squatter rights he might be entitled to. That dark area under the bed is really as much his as it is yours now.
And look, pumpkin, even if the monster doesn’t have a legitimate claim to the underneath of your bed, what are our options, really? Let’s say I do kill him. We need to consider that he might have little monster kids of his own that one day will be full-grown, or maybe a monster brother that might want revenge. Even if I did kill him, we just effectively doubled or maybe even tripled the number of monsters after you. Is that what you want to have happen? What if you were to move into the bigger bedroom later on and we gave your little sister your room a few years from now and then she gets attacked by monsters and doesn’t know why? Are you prepared to accept responsibility for that kind of blowback? Besides, how would you like it if one day when you woke up, one of your teddy bears just disappeared? What if in the middle of the night he got a sack zip-tied over him and you just never heard from him again? Would you like that?
You know, honey, I know you call the shadows under your bed “monsters,” but do you know what the monsters under the bed call you?
The monster on top of the bed.
So you see, it’s all relative, cupcake. There’s no such thing as evil, there’s just different points of view. I’m so glad your mother and I were able to have this talk with you. We really think it’s important that you grow up with a clear sense of right and wrong.
Anyway, you should really be going to sleep now. Your mother and I are late for slam poetry. If you need anything, the babysitter is downstairs. But don’t you dare ask a private contractor like her to do your dirty work for you — this household doesn’t stand for that.
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