This summer we asked writers to redefine the English language by taking a knife to a dictionary and supplying alternate meanings to well known words. Here are 25 of our favourite submissions.
Amiable, verb – The ability to name oneself Ami
Archaic, noun – Biblical, referring to Noah’s favourite cake
Bonfire, noun – Flammable candy. See also: Bonbonfire
Custody, noun – Toad flavoured custard, often mixed with vanilla and served on parsnips
Dictionary, noun – A radical person who shuns a certain male organ
Ejection, noun – That which follows erection, in life, but not in the dictionary
Encyclopedia, noun – Inner workings of a float in a parade being moved by someone pedaling a bicycle
Libertarianism, noun – The practice of subsisting on a diet composed primarily or wholly of reference books, periodicals and the Dewey decimal system
Monkey, noun – An obsolete form of currency developed by 14th century monks
Mountie, noun – The less-dominant partner during sex
Munchkin, noun – One who inherits food
Ossify, verb – To make awesome
Particle, noun – A small-part player with the hiccups
Philosophy. noun – The critical study of the basic principles and tastiness of a particular brand of pastry
Poetry, noun – Tall leafy plant inhabited by a famous raven
Pristine, noun – An effeminate teenaged boy
Restart, noun – A rest stop for tarts, strumpets and the occasional bimbo
Sandwich, noun – A wicked woman who resides on a beach or dune
Silicon, noun – A humorous jailbird
Skeptical, verb – To provoke convulsive laughter by wiggling the fingers while bounding forward with alternative hops on each foot
Slumberous, noun – The downtrodden boroughs of a major metropolis
Steroid, noun – A blister that forms around ones anus after incessant journeys down staircases on ones ass
Testimony, verb – The act of collecting a man’s testicles after a divorce
Thesaurus, noun – Self explanatory, as in “He had the runs, so was constantly wiping thesaurus”
Venerable, noun – An STD obtained from a trusted friend
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